Evil May Cry
by Skullblade
Summary: Ash, Chosen One and Retail Clerk. Dante, Half-Demon Son of Sparda. The Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, the Book of the Dead. A plot by The Umbrella Corporation. When it all comes together, it all goes to hell.
1. Demon Hunters and Sales Clerks

_**Army of Darkness Vs. Anyone Who Shows Up**_

**A/N: My original title was Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash Vs. Alien Vs. Predator Vs. Marvel Zombies Vs. Everything Else, but it was kind of lengthy. I then thought of Army of Darkness Vs. Everyone Who Feels Like a Chainsaw to the Face, but it was unwieldy. Either way, Ash is the main character. P.S. I added Dante later, saw the Evil Dead section is... dead, so now Dante and Ash are the main characters.**

_In a Super Ultra Mega S-Mart, a small town called Sew Imiar_

All hell was breaking loose. In the Housewares Department stood two men. They were surrounded of all sides by rotting corpses. The two didn't really seem to care, though. I mean, who fears zombie? They're slow and weak!

The older of the two wore the uniform of an S-Mart employee. What seperated him the rest, however, were three things.

**1. **He was currently blasting zombie heads open with a Boomstick.

**2. **Two words, Chainsaw Hand.

**3. **His sharp wit.

"Zombie repellent, aisle 4! Same shelf as the shotguns!" This brings us to our first hero.

Ashley "Ash" J. Williams. Bruce Campbell lookalike, and Sales Clerk. This isn't his first time facing the Undead. For Ash is the Chosen One, destined to destroy the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, The Ancient Book of Dead. After many adventures (including time travel, dream demons, mutant serial killers, superhuman zombies, warrior princess, and the like), Ash returned to his S-Mart job.

Unfortunately for Ash, The Evil Dead hasn't given up. And it dragged a lot along with it.

Our other hero, a silver-haired man in a red-trenchcoat (shirt not included), was currently slashing and shooting his way through the flesh-eaters.

"So, Ashley, this happen here often?"

Dante, Half-Demon Son of Sparda. One of the twin sons of the Legendary Dark Knight Sparda, Dante is the owner of Devil May Cry, a Demonic Elimination Agency with questionable success, most likely because of his workplace's tendency to collapse every other customer. Thrice daily doses of pizza probably doesn't help his budget much either.

"More than I would like." A zombie exploded over Dante's shoulder.

"I only came for the excellent prices on frozen pizza and milkshakes, and look what happens!" Dante proceeded to pull his trigger when... nothing happened.

Dante's heart very nearly stopped. "Um...Ashley, I'm out of ammo."

Ashley pressed his boomsticks barrel against a zombie's face. "Ha! Should always come with more ammo than that! Doesn't matter. I have more than a enough to-" His pull of the trigger was not accompanied by a reassuring explosion.

"Ashley, I _never _run out of ammo."

"This is kind of a new experience for me too. Well, I still have the chainsaw..." Ash looked at his fuel gauge. "Oh shit. That's not good."

"What this mean, Ashley?"

"It means, my friend, that the world is over." Ash then just sat cross-legged on the ground, waiting to be eaten.

Dante held up one of his swords. "We still have these. I could let you use one. If you say please, anyway."

"In that case, groovey. We might still get out of this ali-"

**_Ch-Ch-Ch Ah-Ah-Ah_**

"Ashley, did you hear that?"

**_Ch-Ch-Ch Ah-Ah-Ah_**

"Yes. It's not a good sound."

**_Ch-Ch-Ch Ah-Ah-Ah_**

"It means what, exactly?"

**_Ch-Ch-Ch Ah-Ah-Ah_**

"It simply means we're totally and royally screwed."

**_CH-CH-CH AH-AH-AH!_**

**_A/N: Them actually hearing the sound is a reference to Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash where it was actually a sound effect._**


	2. 3 Impaled Costumers This Month

Maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves. It would probably help if we knew the circumstances behind these heroes' meeting first...

**_Several Hours Earlier, Devil May Cry Main Office_**

3 knocks on the door. Nothing. Goddamit Dante! An angry-looking schoolgirl scowled at the door. "Dante! Open up, or the door is coming down!"

"... No answer." Inside, all was silent... well, for a couple seconds anyway.

Lady walked in, Kalina Anne in her hands. She surveyed the damage. It looked as if an explosion went on in there. Tables broken to pieces, vases shattered and spilling water on all the rugs, empty pizza boxes covering every sqaure inch... in short, just like it always did, plus a scorch-marked door. Well, except for the fact that Dante was nowhere to be seen.

"Okay, where are you this time." She cleared off the pile of pizza boxes on the couch to find a huge sword. On being freed, it immediately flew at Lady, barely missing and hitting the wall.

"Dammit, Dante, quit leaving Alastor laying around! It's impaled 3 potential customers this month!" Again no answer. Well... one sound, akin to sawing a log coming from under Dante's desk...

"What the hell?" Lady looked behind the desk, to find the silver-haired, red-coated Demon Hunter... submerged in a puddle of drool, Ebony and Ivory clutched tightly in his hands.

"Okay, why are you sleeping under here..." With these words, Dante's hand flung out and landed on a piece of paper, which was now both wet and had a bullet hole in it. Lady, after letting it dry a bit, picked it up to read.

**Dante, I'm coming over to your place later today!**

**See ya soon,**

**Enzo**

"Oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT!"

"Gyah!" **THUMP! **"Ouch! Huh? Lady? Why are we under my desk?" Lady held up the note.

Dante stared in shock for a moment. "Lock the door! Lock the door! Lock the goddamn door!"

"Um...I kind of made it explode."

Outside the door, the distinctive sound of a pompous ass walking could be heard. (Enzo likes to wear tap shoes, just to announce his presence.)

"...Every man for himself, trample woman and children to escape!" Dante jumped out a window. A closed window. Outside a pathetic whine could be heard. "I think that shard went straight up my spine..."

"Dante, I'm here!"

Outside, Lady heard a very painful sounding splourch, followed by a very fast run.

"Hey, Lady! Is Dante not here? Well, in that case, how about we go out to dinne-" A sword flung itself at Enzo, missing by inches. "Wow, that was close, wasn't it Lady?"

Lady had long since jumped out after Dante. Oddly enough, Enzo swore he heard a voice yelling out "DANTE! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LEAVE ME HERE!" followed by a pathetic crying sound.

**_Somewhere farther away_**

"Oh shit. I forgot Alastor... Eh, I'm not going back."


	3. Nice Exposition, huh?

_**Nice Exposition, Huh?**_

_**At a S-Mart, Where Smart Shoppers Shop Smart**_

"Mr. Williams, we have a bit of a problem."

Ashley J. Williams, Winner of every Employee of the Month award, Manager at the biggest S-Mart in the country, and self-proclaimed chosen one and savior of the world. He's also proclaimed himself as Number 1 Ladies' man, but that doesn't necessarily make it true.

"What's the problem, Giles?"

"My name is Gary, sir."

"I ask again, what's the problem, Giles?"

Gary, err... 'Giles' let out a sigh. "He's back again, Mr. Williams."

"The fool in the red coat who won't leave the frozen foods section?"

"Yes Mr. Williams."

Ash grabbed his bag. "I'll get rid of him."

_**Frozen Foods**_

"These prices are ridiculous! 50 frozen pizzas for a penny?! That's twice what it was last week!"

"Hey, idiot! Didn't we tell you to stop coming here!"

Dante glanced down the aisle at the Bruce Campbell look-a-like, who was brandishing a sawed-off shotgun and a chainsaw. This is why he liked shopping here!

"Hi!" He threw the frozen pizza at him and ran away, toward the Electronics Department.

"S-Mart's top-of-the-line Chain-Sav! Cheapest and most durable chainsaw in the market!" Ash yelled this at a startled customer named Ned Stevens, who had only come for the sale on Hot Pockets, and who certainly would never appear in this story again.

Ash ran off after the red-coated demon hunter.

_**Electronics**_

Ash looked around every corner for the flash of a red coat. He would probably be able to hear where the fool was, if it weren't for the blaring loud TV displays!

His attention was brought to a very unprofessional-looking news program. The newsman was wearing a suit jacket over a t-shirt, wearing a red tie, and a baseball cap. He also had an awesome beard. "Hello and welcome to TNC News. I'm Doug Walker, and I report it so you don't have to. We have some very interesting stories today, so I'll get started and skip my usual Top 11 Cutest Kittens segment."

The title card changed to a picture of two well-known corporate logos. "Now, as most of you know, the recent Merger of the Umbrella Corporation and DOATEC will be finalized today. To minimize confusion, they have decided to keep their names separate."

The title card changed to a badly drawn image of a man in black leather and a ninja. "The recent argument between the Monster Hunters Association and the Hayabusa ninja clan over who has the right to kill monsters locally has recently come to head, when MHA representatives Draco Dark, Enra Q. Kelly, and Ed Nolastname pulled out a sword, a gun, and a wicked-looking machete on Hayabusa Clan leader Ryu Hayabusa. The battle is still ongoing. The title card is an artist's interpretation."

The title card changed to a fuzzy image of a group of girls. "The Slayers, a terrorist group who claim to kill demons, are currently believed to be somewhere in Europe. Remember viewers, if you see a small girl fighting a group of men with fangs, help those nice men out!"

"The recent collapse of the L.A. Branch of Wolfram & Hart, Attorneys At Law, has been credited to and I'm paraphrasing here: "Hell came to Los Angeles, and a vampire sent it back. Cower foolish mortals!" On a related note, alcohol consumption in LA is believed to have skyrocketed."

The image changed to one of an elderly man wearing a brown coat and an eye patch shaking the hand of a man wearing a business suit and sunglasses. "President of the United States, Former War Hero, and voted Hottest Man Alive, Big Boss, is pictured here with Umbrella Corp. Head of R&D Albert Wesker. Their recent meeting has initialized a plan for on-site health care for soldiers."

"I'm Doug Walker, and this is TNC News, an affiliate of the TGWTG co."

"Crazy world, eh, Ashley?" Ash spun around to face the grinning idiot.

"Don't you just love name tags?"

_**A/N: Yes, I know what you're thinking. "It's about time this got updated, it's been 3 years (Gross Exaggeration)!" Well, I had writer's block. Really, really bad writer's block.**_


End file.
